The ‘Bad Manners Minister’ steps forward

Imagine the press conference:

Bad Manners Minister:

Thank you for coming.  I have prepared a brief statement and I will not be taking any questions.

Obligatory throat clearance.

I would like to extend my heartfelt apologies to the members of the Australian Rugby Union contingent for my behavior at the corporate facilities at North Harbour Stadium during the Wallabies’ frankly unconvincing win against Italy on Sunday.

My conduct was unbecoming a government minister, let alone one charged with the duty of hosting overseas guests even if those overseas guests happen to be Australian.

The barrage of abuse I hurled against not only the playing fifteen, but the very character of Australia and Australians — while at times hilarious and often technically accurate — was not acceptable, and for that I sincerely apologize.

“Cheating convict scum” is not an expression I should have used.  If I had my time over again, I would allude to Australia’s past as a convict colony, along with its historical propensity to violate the rules and spirit of rugby, in a more dignified fashion.

I have called James O’Connor — who I can confirm is absolutely not Justin Bieber’s gay twin — to apologise directly.  Similarly, I tweeted an apology to Quade Cooper — whose name is spelled Q-U-A-D-E  and not Q-U-N-T as I may have implied a few dozen times on Sunday.

Finally, to the catering staff at the box, I would like to thank them for their encouragement and occasional applause during this unfortunate episode. I will autograph the remainder of your drink coasters today and get them sent over right away.

Thank you.